What Actions? Walking the Small Things Path

It’s almost always the daily stuff adding up that nurtures us or wrecks us.

Everyday little actions and words add up powerfully.

“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.” - John Gottman

So, I had a gathering for a few men at our home. And the next day Brenda, my wife, had a time for her own friends.

In both, she made the house super inviting and hospitable. Didn’t have to for me, but she wanted to.

Right after that, we had grown, hungry grandsons over with our son-in-law. By the time the cooking and cleanup began, she ended up pretty weary.

I didn’t notice her working once the family got here. And I didn't help a bit. I was too busy having deep “important” conversations.

She didn’t say anything and didn’t send me any “hints” but I began picking up on her weariness. I started pitching-in then, but most everything was already done.

Letting her do it all and not even noticing?

That was a big fail for me in our relationship.

I said, “You should have said something,” but then told myself, no, I should notice and do something without anything being said.

It’s not a choice of “help out or be hospitable with family.” You can do both. I did one.

You know the message she could have heard from that neglect, right? “They’re all more important than me. YOU’RE more important than me.”

There’s no way I can explain that away, because that’s how I acted.

Yet, this was another example of “no argument happened.” Same as when I’m the one potentially offended.

It was briefly unpleasant, but no big hurt feelings or defensiveness. Why? How?

We’ve become secure with each other. We’ve built up enough good will, with daily kindness and caring and support of each other, that an occasional incident isn’t going to challenge our security.

We’ve ended up with a deep trust that each of us really does want the best for the other one and we both know it. Violating something here and there isn’t a problem.

How did it get this way?

Little stones build a fortress

It got this way over time with a million little (and big) daily messages that told the other person they were valuable and a priority.

Small acts of caring and kindness is not some nice advice for children - it's an underestimated super-power that can build a fortress of love.

“Here, I’ll get it.” “Thank you.” Seems like kindergarten stuff but it actually has grad-school level value.

It’s a habit of attitude that feels like, “I like you and want you to be happy.”

You know, like we did when we first met and fell in love. It mattered then but it matters more now.

I didn’t do it during the family visit. But I had done it enough in the “off” times over the years that a breakdown didn’t lead to an eruption.

The small, seemingly unimportant, interactions in everyday life—each and every little one of them—is an opportunity to change how couples create a secure attachment in their relationship. - Amir Levine

SMALL STUFF CAN GET INTO THE RELATIONSHIP CRACKS

Marriage can get complicated fast.

It got very complicated for Brenda and I for a long time. There was some real ugliness.

Somehow, some way, we both started doing some sporadic small good things for each other.

Probably we were each motivated at first by feeling so awful about our behavior at times.

To keep from feeling so bad, I think we each had to do some nice things to try to make it up to the other person.

I’ll say we “stumbled” on something that “worked” that not only helped us hold down guilt, but also actually began making a difference in our relationship.

When something makes you feel better and “works” you start doing it more, right?

Just a little bit nice just a little bit more

I couldn’t make the arguments better, but I could do some good things between the arguments when we weren’t so emotional.

Turns out those good things between arguments can actually make a difference in what the arguments are like. They make a difference in how you feel about each other.

We had no dramatic about-face. We weren’t smart enough or strong enough to do that.

It was a series of small changes or pivots, that added up over time.

We learned we could be just a little bit nice just a little bit more, and it would begin to add up.

We’re at the stage now where the strength of our relationship dilutes any argument we have, instead of an argument diluting our relationship.

We got that way mostly in what happens in the “everyday,” in between the big stuff.

For us, we try to have a lifestyle of kindness and caring. Not constantly, but multiple times daily during the emotionally neutral times. Small positive things that add up more and more.

• She brings me coffee and cookies without me asking.

• She pulls the cover up over my shoulder in bed thinking I’m asleep and cold.

• We hold hands in the car.

• I spontaneously tell her she looks great (and mean it).

• One of us says “Give me a hug” or reaches out and we hug for 20-30 seconds.

• She’s watching TV without me and I walk by and kiss her on the forehead.

• She silently puts her hand on my shoulder while I’m driving.

• I open the car door for her (often, not always).

• I ask her opinions and thoughts every time on the way home from any kind of gathering such as church or with friends or family.

• She splits her Pinwheel cookies with me 50-50 even though she wants them all : )

Still seems too small to really matter, doesn’t it

It's not. These kinds of things say “I see you, I like you, I’m glad you’re here.”

It's what people do when we first fall in love. It's part of what makes us want to get married.

They’re small but big.

BTW, Brenda and I don’t do these things when we’re upset or bugged with each other. We don’t have that much grace or selflessness. 😊

We do them in the “neutral” calm, unemotional times when it’s easy.

Although we couldn’t make arguments better during the arguments, we discovered doing good things between the arguments actually make a difference in what the arguments are like.

So to me a key to arguments getting out of hand is what happens when we’re not arguing - how our relationship feels to each of us, overall.

Relationships don’t need big gestures and that’s what people don’t understand. It’s not about the big gestures, it’s about something very, very simple. It’s about the small, seemingly insignificant interactions in everyday life. That’s what makes the difference. - Amir Levine

RELATIONSHIPS ARE MADE TO WORK A CERTAIN WAY

We had stumbled onto how relationships are actually made to work. I wish we had known this earlier. Decades earlier.

John Gottman has studied married couples and long-term love for over 40 years. From his study and research of couples, he’s come to conclusions about what “works” and doesn’t.

Really, he’s just learned the universals of how relationships are designed to work.

And small everyday things are big. His podcast is even called, “Small Things Often.”

He says one of the most valuable phrases a couple can use is, “Thank you.” It says someone has noticed and is appreciative.

He says we all make these small “bids for connection” every day. It could be something obvious and verbal - “What do you think about what so-and-so said?” or “Are we out of butter?”

Or it could be less obvious - a small favor, a touch, a look, a sigh.

When we respond to those bids we connect. It’s a small emotional turning toward the other person.

“Each time couples turn toward each other they are funding their emotional bank account that can serve as a cushion when times get tough.” - John Gottman

This is exactly how it worked for Brenda and me without us realizing it

This is the way relationships and long-term love are designed to work. When we cooperate then good things can happen.

It’s like there are two parts to small kindnesses and connections. The first part is when one person says or does some small good thing. But then the real power is in both people being involved when the second person notices the act and shows a bit of appreciation or gratitude.

Just a “thank you” can be plenty. Any kind of positive acknowledgement is good.

It’s kinda corny, but it’s like planting a little garden of kindness and appreciation. The kindness is the seed and the appreciation waters it.

What if I don’t feel like being kind? What if it’s hard to be kind to them?

Of course we may not feel like doing a bit of kindness.

But just doing it a bit more in the times when you do feel like doing it can help.

And if I don’t feel like it at all, ever?

This is where the other two marriage paths come in - our mindset and our cooperation with how we’re being shaped. Where we are on those two paths determines what we say and do.

If I have a mindset that believes my spouse is wired to respond to grace and kindness, and that I’m contagious, and that when she feels I care she could soften toward me, it’s easier for me to be kind. I believe it will eventually lead to good things.

And if my soul shaping is leading me to want to “walk in a manner worthy of your calling” then inside me I can want it to look like -

“With tender humility

and quiet patience,

always demonstrate gentleness

and generous love toward one another,

especially toward those who may try your patience.

Be faithful to guard the sweet harmony of the Holy Spirit among you in the bonds of peace…”

- Ephesians 4:2-3

That’s not to husbands and wives, it’s to everyone I relate to. But how much more to the one I love most.

In the end, in my soul formation, it’s about who I am and who I want to be, more than it is about how I feel about my spouse.

Reality leads to hope

For the first twenty years of our marriage, I unknowingly developed negative emotional reactions to Brenda. She did it too with me. Don’t we all?

I didn't see my role in digging a hole in our relationship. I didn’t own that.

I didn’t realize I had developed mindsets of unhelpful thinking, which led to unhelpful words and actions.

And I didn’t realize God was up to something good and personal inside me, and wanted me to let him use my marriage to do it.

Slowly, under pressure, I learned my thinking and mindsets, and my words, and my relationship with God were all one thing. That doesn’t make things simple - but it does make them much simpler.

Email me at gary@garymorland.com.