What Shaping? Walking the Formation Path

God is up to something personal and good, if I’ll let him.

And my marriage is in the middle of it.

Let’s start with a story.

I first began to follow Jesus (I was 37 years old) after I found out I was losing my radio job in Davenport, Iowa. Married 15 years at that point.

I started looking for new jobs. I had several conversations with a group in Benton Harbor, Michigan. It was looking good.

They said they’d get back to me soon.

Meantime, a place in the Bible had caught my attention. I was new at the Christian stuff, but had heard people saying that memorizing Bible words could be helpful.

So I decided to memorize it while I was waiting to hear back. Here’s my sorta-paraphrased version from memory from Hebrews 12 -

God disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness.

It produces a harvest of righteousness and peace in those who have been trained by it.

So strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.

Of course when you memorize something, you think about the words and what it all means.

I realized “discipline” just means training.

It also leads to something that sounds pretty great - “righteousness and peace.”

And, it says it’s a “harvest” of righteousness and peace. A whole bunch! I’ll take it.

Except - it also says “In those who have been trained by it.”

Oh. So it’s possible for me to experience problems and challenges and NOT be trained by them.

I have to allow God to train me.

I have to cooperate.

As I’m memorizing and thinking on this, I’m getting more and more agitated because I’m not hearing back from Benton Harbor. It was taking forever.

Should I call them? Email them? How long do I wait?

Weeks passed. Months. Eons. The sun burned out and froze over.

It was 5 days.

And then they said things had changed and they decided not to fill the job.

What? Nothing comes from it?

You know what came from it. Go ahead and tell me.

The waiting and the disappointment and the words and mindset I learned were all one thing.

The question for me was, did I cooperate and allow God to use the challenge to train me? Or did I separate the challenge from what God was really up to in me?

I think God is up to something personal in you and me and he’s not in a hurry.

Do you think one thing he’s up to is shaping you to be a certain kind of person, with yourself, with others, with God?

With your spouse?

Here are some words God uses to describe the kind of shaping he’s up to personally -

“Until Christ be formed in you”

“Conformed to the image of God’s Son”

“Being transformed into His likeness”

“Outwardly wasting away, inwardly being renewed day by day”

So apparently I’m supposed to look more and more like Jesus, on the inside and in how I think, act, and speak?

Can we give an example of a specific picture of what that could look like?

We could. In Ephesians 4:2-3 it says to “walk in a manner worthy of your calling.”

And then it gives an example of what that looks like -

“With tender humility and quiet patience,

always demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another,

especially toward those who may try your patience.

Be faithful to guard the sweet harmony of the Holy Spirit among you in the bonds of peace…”

That’s just one example. Does that feel good and right? Does to me!

Do I want my spouse to walk like that in our marriage? You bet!

But what about my walk?

What if she makes me mad and doesn’t deserve it?

This is where you go, “Gary, this doesn’t have anything to do with your spouse. This is YOUR walk, and YOUR soul, with God.”

And I’d have to agree.

I may feel far away from this right now, but that doesn’t change the road I’m on with God.

It’s personal, just between Jesus and me.

You have a lot to say about how you experience what God is up to in your life and soul, and in forming you into who you really want to be.

You can cooperate, fight it, or something in between.

One way to cooperate is to see your daily challenges and issues as part of what he’s up to. Which could affect how you feel about those issues and challenges.

You could end up seeing issues and challenges as “soul forming school” if you wanted.

And where in life are our biggest issues and challenges? And on a daily basis?

Well, marriage is a big one.

So If I wanted to cooperate, what would I do in the face of issues, challenges, emotions, negativity, and potential bitterness?

You might end up asking -

What would it take for me to survive this? Or for me to even thrive? What kind of person would I be to survive or thrive?

To survive would it take not making it worse? Would it take being calm, not jumping to conclusions, trusting it will settle down? For me, what would it take?

To thrive would it take giving the benefit of the doubt, not assuming the worst motive or interpretation? Giving patience and love in exchange for undeserved pain?

Would it take a person of patience, faith, grace, love, or kindness? What else?

What if this is an invitation, an opportunity, to become the kind of person God has in mind for me, that I really want to be?

What if this situation is no accident, and God is right there in the middle of it?

What if God has a personal agenda for me beyond this specific issue, beyond my spouse?

What would I do? How would I respond?

I have choices

I can choose to cooperate with how my Maker is shaping me in my everyday life. I can choose to accept that I’m loved and safe and secure.

I can choose how to think, and what to think, and what mindsets to accept or reject.

And I can choose my words and my tone and my actions.

These are powerful, wonderful things, all in my control. Even in my responsibility.

I’m being shaped by my marriage into a person I want to be and that God has in mind. Because I am loved and am safe with a higher love and safety than my marriage, I can cooperate.

If I stand before my Maker at the end of my life, I’m not with anyone else, and I can’t point at anyone or anything else in defense of who I really am.

A few words from others about this shaping business -

When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God’s work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight - Richard Foster

We pass from thinking of God as part of our life to the realization that we are part of his life. - Richard Foster

We shall find that the spheres God brings us into are not meant to teach us something but to make us something - Oswald Chambers

Fatalism is the attitude that makes us live as passive victims of exterior circumstances beyond our control. The opposite of fatalism is faith. Faith is the deep trust that God's love is stronger than all the anonymous powers of the world. - Henri Nouwen

When I surrendered myself to performing an act of service in love and faithfulness, God met me there. - Richella Parham

The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, but more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope - Tim Keller

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him, because He cares for you. - I Peter 5:6-7

Reality leads to hope

For the first twenty years of our marriage, I unknowingly developed negative emotional reactions to Brenda. She did it too with me. Don’t we all?

I didn't see my role in digging a hole in our relationship. I didn’t own that.

I didn’t realize I had developed mindsets of unhelpful thinking, which led to unhelpful words and actions.

And I didn’t realize God was up to something good and personal inside me, and wanted me to let him use my marriage to do it.

Slowly, under pressure, I learned my thinking and mindsets, and my words, and my relationship with God were all one thing. That doesn’t make things simple - but it does make them much simpler.

Email me at gary@garymorland.com.