SM Letter #1
the Simpler Marriage Letter
Married love got complicated while we weren't looking. Let's make it simpler again so we can love and be loved for the long term.
---------
50 years of marriage - so far so good! Actually it’s fantastic. But for 20 of those years I didn't realize I was unknowingly developing negative emotional reactions to Brenda and to things in our marriage. She did it too, we all do.
I ended up with a script of unhelpful automatic responses that led to some unpleasant scenes and stories. And without trying, I became a slave to my script that I didn’t even write on purpose. Then I learned I can write a new script, and that has led to more pleasant stories, and I’m still adding to it.
Each week in this little letter I'll share some of the parts of that new script.
- Gary Morland
---------
LESSONS LEARNED
We had a few words with each other last week that were too harsh. We didn’t talk about it afterwards, we just went about our individual business in the house.
A few minutes later she brought me a cup of coffee and a napkin holding grapes and a cookie. I immediately softened and felt some guilt about my attitude.
She didn’t tell me what I did wrong or tell me to change. It’s kinda weird how that works - it’s as if there’s some kind of “law” inside me that caused me to respond almost automatically to kindness and grace. She would have been right if she told me to shape up, and I could have told her the same, and we both would have automatically resisted (another law?). She decided to take a chance on the power of kindness. I can do the same thing.
WORTH REPEATING
"Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart." —Henry Clay
WORTH TRYING
When you feel good and positive toward your spouse, don’t you treat them better? If they felt good toward you, would they treat you better?
How would it feel if your spouse said to you “How can I make your day better today?” If it would make you feel positive toward them, would asking them that same question help them feel positive toward you?
WORTH REPLYING
What do you wish you had realized about love and marriage much earlier? Why?
Just hit reply, I’d love to know : )
-- Gary
P.S. - btw, if you missed the little list of "9 simple but essential things I had to learn the hard way to stay married 50 years" here it is -
Just click here and it'll pop up