SM Letter #13 - easy and often

LESSONS LEARNED

When I first began the Simpler Marriage Letter, I thought that for the “Lessons Learned” section I’d be going back remembering past experiences and things learned.

Now I’m seeing there are still plenty of lessons I’m learning every week. 😜

There was definitely a scene from this week, too, but I also just realized something else that really simplifies things to me, and I need to start to put words to it.

So, one way I see to keep it simpler is knowing that there are really only 3 ways I relate to Brenda. With -

1) my attitude

2) my words

3) my actions

Is there anything else? Everything is either thinking, words, or actions, isn’t it?

But it just hit me over the weekend that there are 2 main times or contexts WHEN my attitude, words, and actions come out -

I either respond.

Or I initiate.

When I respond, I’m reacting to something that’s happened, or to something she said or did. My attitude or words or actions don’t come out unless something triggers them.

It doesn’t have to be bad, either, it can be something positive that I then react to. But often it's negative.

When I initiate, my attitude, words, and actions are showing without anything external triggering them. I’m starting something that could lead to a response from her. And I’d sure like that to be positive.

Responses are dictated by what triggers them, are often negative, and can be emotional and challenging to control.

Initiations are easy and unlimited, and completely in my control.

So how is this helpful?

Well, she’s always getting a message from me, and me from her.

Messages that come from responding are risky and easily become emotional and damaging. For me, they’re often just habits of responding that I don’t think about.

I did a lot of damage in our relationship over the years because I had habits of negative responses that I automatically followed.

It can take time to reprogram automatic responses.

But I can initiate positive messages easily and as often as I want!

If I want to, I can try to do it often enough so these positive messages begin to cancel out the automatic negative messages that have come out.

If I’m harsh or selfish or angry in a response, I can try to counter that by finding ways to be kind, generous, and loving on purpose at other times.

Responses are in our control, but it can take time to learn to keep them from being automatically negative.

I can do positive initiations every day just by deciding to. Do them enough, and the negative responses don’t weigh as much in our relationship.

I’ve known this and done this, but didn’t realize until now the simplicity and power of “just do some good stuff on purpose during the neutral times and it can help overcome your screwups.”

WORTH REPEATING

“Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” - James 3.17

It's not about marriage. Or is it?

WORTH TRYING

Think of the smallest positive word or action that you could do for your spouse that you’re not now doing, or that you could do more.

Just one thing that's so small it almost doesn’t count. Make it so easy that it’s hard to make an excuse to not do it.

Can you turn it into one little habit?

WORTH REPLYING

What's the first thing that attracted you to your spouse when you first met? I'd love to know :)

Just hit reply. Thanks!.

Gary