SM Letter #12 - growing trust
LESSONS LEARNED
Brenda did a lot of hospitality-ing and cooking last Thursday through the weekend. Our grown, hungry grandsons and son-in-law visited. It was fantastic.
The two days before that, she made the house super inviting for a little gathering I had on Thursday and for one she had on Friday. So when the family visited right after that and the cooking and cleanup began, she ended up pretty weary.
I didn’t notice her working once the family got here. And I didn't help a bit. I was too busy having deep “important” conversations.
During all the work when family was here, she didn’t say anything and didn’t send me any “hints” but I began picking up on her weariness. I started pitching in then, but most everything was done.
Letting her do it all and not even noticing was a big fail for me in our relationship.
I said, “You should have said something,” but then told myself, no, I’m supposed to notice and do something without anything being said. It’s not a choice of “help out, or be hospitable with family” - you can do both. I did one.
You know the message she could have heard from that neglect, right? “They’re all more important than me. YOU’RE more important than me.” There’s no way I can explain that away, because that’s how I acted.
Yet, this is another example of “no fight came from this.”
It was briefly unpleasant, but no big hurt feelings or defensiveness. Why? How?
We’ve become secure with each other. We’ve built up enough good will, with daily kindness and caring and support of each other, that one incident isn’t going to challenge our security.
We’ve ended up with a deep trust that each of us really does want the best for the other one and we know it. Violating something here and there isn’t a problem.
It got this way over time with a million little (and big) daily messages that told the other person they were valuable and a priority. Small acts of caring and kindness is not some nice advice for children - it's an underestimated super-power that can build a fortress of love.
“Here, I’ll get it.” “Thank you.” Kindergarten stuff that’s actually grad-school level value.
A habit of attitude that feels like, “I like you and want you happy.”
. . . you know, like we did when we first met and fell in love. It mattered then but it matters more now.
Marriage got very complicated for Brenda and I for a long time. But we learned we could be just a little bit nice just a little bit more, and it would begin to add up.
WORTH REPEATING
"Oaks grow strong in contrary winds, and diamonds are made under pressure" - Peter Marshall
WORTH TRYING
The other day I asked Brenda (before the incident above 😳), “Just curious, what’s the most important thing I need to know about loving you?”
“Be on my side,” she said. She wants to know she’s the priority over others. And I want her to know, but sometimes I obviously don't act like it.
One reason this question can be valuable is because you’re inviting potential criticism and they know it.
Whatever you do, you can’t get defensive or argue with their answer. But asking a follow-up question or two for clarity can make asking the question even better.
WORTH REPLYING
So then, for YOU, what’s the most important thing (or one of them) that your spouse needs to know about loving YOU? 😊
Just hit reply. Thanks, it helps me to know you better.
Gary