SM Letter #48 - listening
LESSONS LEARNED
So, on Father’s Day each daughter calls.
I love it. Normally we talk maybe every couple weeks.
We got caught up, talked about books and kids and trips and how we’re doing and feeling.
I noticed something.
The call is like a gift. A gift of attention and caring.
In the back of my mind I'm not worrying about keeping them on for a long time.
I don’t think about them maybe being busy or distracted. We can just talk, without an agenda, and if something comes to mind then there’s time for it.
It’s very nice.
In a way, they’re there to share and listen and care on purpose. It’s a beautiful gift.
Later, it hits me.
I wonder if Brenda feels the same from me? Doesn’t have to be all the time, but regular and often.
Am I always seeming to be busy and distracted, without time to really hear her?
Does she ever just “not want to bother” me? So she just doesn’t ask or say it?
So I made a quick quiz and ran in and asked her. Just two questions.
Wrote it down on a notecard and had her mark her answers -
How often do you feel free to talk to me or ask me a question?
Mostly always
Sometimes
Not much
Mostly never
How often do you feel like I really hear you?
Mostly always
Sometimes
Not much
Mostly never
I almost didn’t give her the quiz. Too scary.
I know all the times when I’m distracted and “busy.”
I know all the times when it could easily feel like I’m not really engaged or appreciating what she’s saying.
Her answers were better than I feared. *whew*
Before I gave it to her, I had to remember, this is how she feels.
It wouldn’t mean I don’t listen, but it could, and probably would. It would definitely mean she feels like I don’t listen or hear her.
And how she feels would have to count more than whatever subjective reality I think I see.
Being present and attentive is a message to the other person that, “You’re worth it. You’re worth the time and the attention. You’re worth listening to. You matter.”
That's a message that connects all people, especially in marriage.
Seems like it’s also something else.
It says something about me.
The times when I feel most attentive are when I remind myself that I don’t have to fix or change someone or something. I don’t have to DO something.
Listening and releasing control is actually a real job that takes effort. It takes a sense of security and confidence that “it’s not up to me.”
That’s all a good place to be. For me and the other person.
WORTH REPEATING
“You are afraid to surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
WORTH TRYING
Two minutes of intentional attention.
For what it’s worth, Dr. John Gottman’s research (40+ years of studying married couples) shows that two minutes of undistracted communication can be more important than spending a whole unfocused week together.
For me, sometimes I’m surprised at how connected I can feel with Brenda after only just a few minutes of leisurely talking with no distractions.
WORTH REPLYING
I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.
Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.
Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.
There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.
I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.
So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.
No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?
What do you wish you knew sooner about marriage?
Just hit reply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com 😊
Thanks!
Gary