SM Letter #47 - showdown at Buc-ee’s
LESSONS LEARNED
Why can marriage and long-term love be so challenging?
We meet, fall in love, and marry. We marry what we see, which is mostly the outer person.
But long-term love includes the inner person.
Recent example -
We stop at Buc-ee’s on the way to family in Indiana.
Brenda goes in while I get gas.
After gassing up, I look for a parking spot. It’s a big place. It’s crowded. It’s raining. I'm hungry.
I want to be close so Brenda doesn’t have to walk back to the car in the rain.
Can’t find a spot close. *growl*
Can you park in the spaces with the thin red stripes that say “fire zone?” Surely not.
Then why are dozens of cars parked in all of those spots except one?
Inner Gary is getting frustrated.
I park there.
As soon as I shut the car off the phone chirps. It’s Brenda.
Inner Gary knows (thinks) that she thinks I’m fooling around and wasting time. Part of our history, right? Because I have. But I’m not now.
I answer with, “Calling me is not going to make me get in any faster. I’m not fooling around.”
Her: “What? I thought you might be in the store and just wanted to know where you were.”
Now inner Gary is upset with himself for being mean.
But he doesn’t say that, he just gets more frustrated on the inside.
We hook up in the store and as we’re walking by the Jerky display case (it’s a Buc-ee's thing) I start taking video as we walk the entire 25-foot length of Jerky choices. It’s incredible.
As I’m walking (fast) with the video on, she says, “I don’t want to be taking all day in here while you video everything.”
Now I’m really frustrated.
Inner Gary: One video so far, while we’re walking. I haven’t slowed anything down yet.
Outer Gary says out loud, and tries to make it just a bit self-righteous: “I’ve been driving 5 hours and I just want to walk a bit and not rush back to the car.”
This looks harmless in print, but trust me there was an edge to it.
Then there was the “Let’s meet in 7 minutes” mess up.
And the adventure finding potato chips. Yes it was an adventure.
In the end, no damage - we’ve both been down this road a million times and have learned to talk about it some and let it go. We can let it go pretty quick and easy.
But thus, the long-term love challenge:
We meet and fall in love with the outer person, while knowing a bit of the inner person.
Later we know a LOT of the inner person. And that’s who we live with every day.
And to make it even more challenging, Mort Fertel says not only do we meet our spouse’s inner person, but we also get a first-hand view of our own inner person -
“Most people wouldn't be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse.
Most people don't recognize their own behavior. ‘I'm just not myself with him/her.’
Well then who is that person?
It’s YOU...it's your character.”
In long-term love, we eventually meet and have to put up with TWO inner persons. Ours and our spouse’s.
I hope we’re all gentle with ourselves and each other. 😊
WORTH REPEATING
“We cannot trade empty for empty
We must go to the waterfall
For there’s a break in the cup that holds love
Inside us all.”
- David Wilcox song “Break in the Cup”
WORTH TRYING
Three potential “I care” questions to throw in at the end of a day -
"What went well in your day?"
(Because you want the good things in their life to be noticed.)
"What did you struggle with today?"
(Because you want them to know they’re not alone, and they can share struggles without feeling like they’re complaining.)
"When were you most happy today (or this week so far)?"
(Because you want to share in it.)
(inspired by Brian Fretwell)
WORTH REPLYING
I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.
Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.
Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.
There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.
I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.
So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.
No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?
Have you ever had a long season of disconnect, anger, bitterness, and then it changed? What happened to change it? Who did what? Can you compare the before and after?
Just hit reply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com 😊
Thanks!
Gary