SM Letter #5 - dumb experiment?

LESSONS LEARNED

You know how during an intense discussion or disagreement, you think of something to say but you catch yourself and wonder should I? I don't mean something insulting or a zinger, I just mean words that make your point but you're not sure how they'll be taken.

Maybe you know the feeling - the inward pressure to say it becomes SO hard to resist. There’s so much pressure, you’re sure it must be the right thing to say.

So I've experimented a few times.

My experiment has first involved thinking for more than a second about if I should say it. Sometimes I’ve held off for several minutes, rolling the pros and cons around in my head while the disagreement continues. It’s hard to think straight in the heat of going back and forth, but I try. I often make it a private spiritual question between God and me, asking “should I?”

Usually I don’t end up knowing what’s best. But you never know the effect it will have if you don’t say it, right?

How do you really know or learn what to do about the strong urge and the hesitating feeling if you don’t just say it and find out? (uh oh...)

So my experiment a bunch of times (over the years) has been to go ahead and say it and learn.

The result? For me, almost always, saying the thing doesn’t help, it hurts. Most of the time (+90%?) it’s made things worse and I shake my head at myself, shoulda known.

I don’t do the experiment as much anymore, but sometimes the pressure is too much to resist and the words just come out. I can't say it’s ever been worth it.

So to me, the strong urge - yeah say that! - has become a warning to me, instead of a “sign” that I should say it.

Once the words come out, you can never get them back. But you can always say it later if it still seems right.

WORTH REPEATING

“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” - Max Lucado

WORTH TRYING

I believe when we see into our spouse's heart, we soften towards them. And when they feel we care, they soften towards us. These are examples of simple and powerful cause & effect "laws" that we can cooperate with.

One way this happens for me is when Brenda talks about what it was like growing up in her family. Hearing about the scenes and relationships that shaped her, or that are just lighthearted memories, takes me into her story and makes me feel closer to her. And when she feels I’m interested and care, she feels closer to me.

How you get into that conversation is up to you, but know it can be far more valuable than it seems on the surface.

WORTH REPLYING

Some of your replies from last week’s question, “I love it when my spouse _________?" -

is patient

respects my views

initiates holding hands

says I look good

does things without being asked

says “It’s ok, don’t worry about it” when things mess up

Not a single answer about being superman or superwoman. We’re all easier to please than we think. If only we realized how valuable small kindnesses can be…

Gary