SM Letter #50 - how we’ve done things
LESSONS LEARNED
I think sometimes it can be good to remind yourself what you really believe, and what you’ve learned. It can be encouraging.
One of those things I believe, is that instead of trying to fix a bunch of separate issues, Brenda and I have ended up just addressing our relationship, and then let the relationship address the issues.
That’s how it’s worked for us.
I think it was too intimidating to think about issues, so we started doing easier, smaller things.
And, well, look at that, the little everyday relational things ended up affecting the big things.
Thankfully, there are valuable, important choices in our control. If only we would realize their potential.
No matter how long it’s been, or what my spouse does, I can honor these realities myself -
Giving up hope of changing or controlling the other person.
The more I release thinking that I somehow can ‘change’ Brenda, the lighter I feel, and the easier it is to pray and trust whatever God is doing.
What is it with me wanting to control her when I don’t even take responsibility for controlling my own attitude, actions, and words?
I answer for how I control myself. I answer for what kind of person I am.
I can’t blame anyone else. Same with her.
Relationships are made to work a certain way.
Cooperate, instead of ignoring or fighting it, and good things happen.
For example, harshness causes a reaction, just about every time. And kindness causes a reaction just about every time.
I can’t change that relationship law, but I can cooperate and take advantage of it.
Our marriage is nurtured or wrecked by my daily words and interactions.
Small words and actions add up everyday. They’ve been adding up for years, either nurturing or wrecking.
People who study long-term married couples see this is a big deal. All the little daily stuff creates a relationship.
I can nurture if I decide to.
I control my own attitudes and mindsets.
A mindset is the boss, even though I ‘know’ contrary things are also true.
A mindset ultimately rules how I see my marriage and spouse.
Thinking my spouse is my enemy is a mindset. Thinking I’m a victim is a mindset.
Since mindsets rule how you interpret things that happen, then with those mindsets I’ll major on the negative things my spouse does and I’ll major on feeling like a victim.
For a person of faith, we’re always being formed into the kind of person we really do want to be.
My soul is being shaped by a loving God who is using my marriage - and everything in life - to do it.
I can ignore it, fight it, or cooperate.
But, I can’t make God’s shaping efforts go away.
The Big Enemy
The big obstacle which keeps me from taking advantage of any of these things is my own bitterness and offense toward my spouse.
A sense of unfairness can dominate me, and I can feel they don’t deserve positivity from me.
And they may not deserve it. So I just let things play out and wait for them to change. And stay mad.
We don’t have to make progress in all of these. Just small progress in one can start a little river flowing.
Little rivers grow.
WORTH REPEATING
"We fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage." - Mort Fertel
WORTH TRYING
And here’s something I’ve just learned in the last year. Only recently have I realized how serious this is.
When I say I’ll do something, I have to do it.
All of our marriage, I’ve meant well. I really will put the hose away, but maybe it takes two days. Or more.
I really will make that call, but when?
I realize now that every time something has been important to her, and I’ve dropped the ball, it hasn’t just been a little personality defect in me. It’s been a negative chip in our relationship.
And when I do do the thing, it isn’t neutral. It’s a positive deposit into our relationship.
It’s not so much about the thing, it’s about how important that other person’s desires are to me.
Not doing the thing can send a message that her desires don’t matter to me.
WORTH REPLYING
Which of the "Lessons Learned" did you have a reaction to?
Just hit reply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com. 😊
Thanks!
Gary