SM Letter #51 - disarming arguments
LESSONS LEARNED
Last week I mentioned that Brenda and I haven’t ever really tried to address big relationship issues head-on.
I’m not saying don’t address issues head-on.
I’m saying that that approach probably seemed too scary, too intimidating to us.
We didn’t even know how to talk about big issues.
I don’t think we even really know how to define what they were.
Yet the big issues ended up mostly addressed without us realizing at first how it was happening.
An example could be disagreements and arguments getting out of control.
Once a disagreement gets fired up, it's almost impossible to control.
When emotions are strong, no matter how much you know better at the time, you lose control of your feelings and words.
We’d say things, and say them certain ways, which could cause real pain that could last a long time.
I think we all know the trick - I say things from my emotions that contain some truth, but not the whole truth.
Stick just enough truth in my insult that the other person has to think how to respond.
And since things are emotional, they can’t think. I win!
Except - the other person then responds from emotions with just enough truth to make ME have to think.
And since it’s emotional, I can’t think either.
Touche. We both 'win' by making the other person feel low-down.
Sometimes in our emotions we’ve attacked each other's character, attacking who they are. We act as if they’re deficient or inferior.
Someone’s going to start believing we really mean all that. Something’s going to end up damaged.
We never figured out how to interrupt all that while it was going on.
What we didn’t realize -
Was that how we felt overall toward the other person could determine how emotional a disagreement could get.
How you feel toward the other person has big effect on -
How fast things get emotional
How strong the emotions are
How long the emotions will last
When you already have some strong negative feelings toward the other person, a disagreement is going to get emotional really quick.
And a lot of the disagreement is going to be about your core negative feelings toward each other.
So how do we change our core feelings toward our spouse?
Somehow, maybe through guilt or desperation, we started being nicer to each other in the non-arguing times.
Not a big deal but it was. We found easy simple things to do in the non-emotional times.
Kinder words. Giving a bit more attention. Listening a little more.
Noticing that the other person really does do good things and acknowledging it.
Anything that feels connecting.
This was one way for us.
It began adding up and causing us to see each other more positively, as kinder and more caring. It kept us from feeling so bugged by the other person.
We softened towards each other.
And guess what - when disagreements then began, we weren’t quite so quick to jump into partial-truth insult mode.
And gradually we even ended up feeling repelled by arguments, instead of drawn into them.
Big changes came from just starting with the easiest positive actions done in the routine of the day.
It could have happened so much sooner and quicker if only we’d known.
WORTH REPEATING
“Doing something that benefits another when it’s not required, without anything expected in return, improves the well-being of the giver more than it does the well-being of the receiver.
That is why kindness is the most powerful and useful of all social-emotional skills. It does a body good, always.”
- Kyle D. Pruett
WORTH TRYING
Lately, Brenda and I have just been sitting close together on the sofa for a few minutes.
Cozy-close, hips pressed together, relaxing into each other.
We just say, “Hey let’s sit together for a minute.” That’s it. No agenda, no insightful questions.
We just talk about anything that comes to mind or is in front of us. Small inconsequential talk. Or silence. Might be 10 minutes, might be 20.
The touching, the relaxing, the giving-in to not having to do something right now, is connecting and bonding.
I’ll bet if we were wired up, our brains and blood pressure would show a lot of healthy things taking place on the inside. I know it’s healthy in our souls and spirits.
WORTH REPLYING
What kind or caring action of your spouse would make you feel most positive toward them?
Just hit reply, or email me at gary@garymorland.com. 😊
Thanks!
Gary