SM Letter #7 - win + surprise
LESSONS LEARNED
Part 2. See Part 1 in last week’s Letter #6.
She wants a tree trimmed. I trim it. She doesn’t like it and says so.
Inside me: You can’t just chop off the ends. You don’t understand. Just because you want a certain thing doesn’t mean it can happen - it won’t look right with all the ends cut off. If you knew what I know you’d understand. I did what you want the way it had to be done.
Inside her: You didn’t listen to me. You wanted to do it your way. You didn’t care what I wanted. And now it doesn’t look like I want. We have friends coming over and I wanted it fixed and you’ve made it worse. I just wanted it better, not “right” by your definition.
But, what was inside us didn’t really matter. What mattered was what was going to happen with what was inside us.
So, what happened right after she said “I hate it?”
Nothing. Neither one of us said anything.
Don’t throw fuel on a little fire, it’s not worth what can happen.
The urge to prove your point or defend yourself is powerful and deceiving. It never turns out how you want (see Simpler Marriage Letter #5).
Later in the day she said “Sorry I got mad.”
That’s all that was said then. I would have said something about not doing what she wanted, but I don’t think she needed me to.
You have to know your spouse to know if words are needed, and which ones.
We’re going to disagree, and it’s not a win to get the other person to “see the light.” I’ve never got her to see the light in an argument in 50 years. Same with her getting me to.
Winning is a good relationship, peace, and avoiding bitterness. So we had a win!
BUT then, before I sent you last week’s letter, I asked for her approval (since she’s in it) and if I had the “Inside her” part right.
She said yes, but then casually added: “I was afraid you were going to come in and yell at me” 😳
Oh golly. That's a big deal to me. She has no reason to think I’d yell at her, right? Right? Next week…
WORTH REPEATING
"Kindness is love’s response to weakness.” - Andy Stanley
WORTH TRYING
When we hold hands, and we do often, it’s me initiating it.
But in the car, she’ll put her hand lightly on my shoulder while I’m driving. A small thing but to me every time it’s like a voice from God telling me I’m accepted, loved, and everything is alright.
Doesn’t matter who starts it, touching can matter. And touching a lot can matter a lot. If you're not touchers, no big deal, but it's another small way of connecting.
WORTH REPLYING
Someone you love is getting married for the first time and they ask for one piece of advice. What do you say? Just hit reply, I’d love to know what you think.
Gary