SM Letter #8 - caring counts

LESSONS LEARNED

You do something your spouse asks you to do. (See Letters #7 and #6 for the story).

They don’t like how you did it and they say ”I hate it” because you didn’t do it the way they wanted. They have a point 🥴.

But it doesn’t start an argument (yay!). Neither one of you says anything about it because you’ve learned to blow off little things.

Later your spouse says “After I told you I hate it, I thought about how hard you worked and then I told you I hate it.” Great. Feels good to hear that.

Then they say, “I was afraid you were going to come in and yell at me.” Ouch.

That hurts so much that now you almost want to argue about that. You think “When have I ever yelled at you for something like that?”

But, it doesn’t matter what you think about why they feel that way. Doesn’t matter if it’s ever even happened.

If they feel that way, it counts to them.

How they feel is reality to them in this.

If it counts to them it needs to count to me.

If you start arguing about whether you deserve for them to feel that way, you’re making it about you and justice and fairness.

If my goal is fairness and winning an argument, then I should go ahead and prove they’re right by getting upset and confirming their fear.

If your goal is actually about your relationship, then respond in ways that are good for your relationship.

In this case I just said, “I hate that you had to think that and I don’t want to ever do anything to give you a reason to fear that.”

There are lots of alternatives to getting defensive, having hurt feelings, or arguing if something is true or not.

Can I just somehow be caring and not make it worse?

And make sure any accusation doesn’t have any basis for truth in the future?

WORTH REPEATING

“Many arguments get heated not because our opinions clash, but because we fail to show we care. The most important step isn’t to defend your position, it’s to reinforce your relationship. It’s easier to accept that you’re not like-minded if you’re like-hearted.” - Adam Grant

WORTH TRYING

From last week’s “worth replying” question on what you’d tell someone just getting married, Wendy said: “Don’t say about half of the words/reactions that you want to say to your new spouse.” Amen?

You can always say it a minute from now, or in five minutes. Or later today. Tell yourself you’re just resisting temporarily 🙂. Maybe you end up feeling it doesn’t need said at all.

WORTH REPLYING

What do you see in your spouse right now that you’re grateful for? Just hit reply.

Gary