SM Letter #3 - can we?
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LESSONS LEARNED
I think we all know that during an argument we don’t want to say everything that pops in our head. And we want to use good listening skills to make sure we hear each other.
I know this. I don’t do it. Do you?
Things are too emotional during an argument, there’s too much pressure, and I can’t think or be reasonable. I feel and say dumb stuff I regret later. This is how things begin to escalate.
So then how do we get better at keeping arguments from turning into attacks or warfare?
I’m pretty sure the key has to do with what happens when we’re NOT arguing. Fifty years of marriage and I’m just now realizing that we’ve both been accidentally discovering this: when we have an everyday habit of caring and consideration and kindness, in little ways and big ways, then when arguments happen they don’t turn into warfare.
It makes sense - if rudeness and taking for granted and being bugged by each other happens too much in our everyday relationship, what’s going to happen when an argument starts? All our negative feelings and resentments are going to surface and the argument becomes about something way more than what started it.
Friends argue, but don’t hate and attack and grow bitter. The quality of the friendship restrains things.
The more positive we can be in our everyday relationship, the less negative our arguments are. Make sense to you?
WORTH REPEATING
“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.” - John Gottman
WORTH TRYING
Whenever we leave an event, or church, or a gathering, on the way home we always ask each other for observations on what we saw or what happened. Literally we say, “Any observations or thoughts on church…the movie….the meal with friends?”
It’s a small thing and neither of us started doing it purposefully, but I think it reinforces to us that the opinion of the other person matters to us. Another small thing that adds up.
WORTH REPLYING
What’s one thing you wish your spouse would ”get” about you or your marriage? I’d love to know, just hit reply.
Gary
P.S. - If you ever wonder why your spouse thinks, says, and does what they do . . .
. . . here are a few words in a video from me. There are uninvited guests in our marriage! Video is 3:50.