SM Letter #36 - bringing it up
LESSONS LEARNED
Last week. In the car. The mood is neutral and calm.
One of us (calmly and kindly):
“I need to say I feel like maybe I’ve been bugging you.
You seem frustrated with me, kinda short with me . . .
I can understand if you are.”
And then the person asking the question mentioned a few specific things that they know have bugged the other one at times.
The other one of us:
“No it’s all me, just the way I’ve been recently. Totally not you.”
Done.
Of course the other person often really is bugged by the one person.
They could be so bugged that they really are frustrated and short (or more) with them.
Which hopefully would lead to some words that resulted in more clarity and connection than disconnection.
But also, the comment could kick off the same gripe fest that always happens.
There are a lot of different results that could come from that kind of comment. I’ve experienced a whole bunch of them.
But we don’t have control of those results.
We only control our own words and attitude and expectations.
With that statement / question, the only agenda is discovery, not fixing.
I don’t know what needs fixing yet, and if I did, I probably don’t know how to fix it.
Give yourself freedom for a small step, embracing your safety in Jesus.
When you’re safe, you can give the benefit of the doubt, even if you’re convinced it’s all them.
“I feel like maybe I’ve been (frustrating, bugging, whatever) you. I don’t want to.
“You seem _____ with me, kind of ______ with me.
“I can understand if you are. I know I can be _____ and ____.”
It's not confrontational.
It's not some big question. Just a comment. No big deal.
It’s taking all blame away from the other person.
What will happen if they feel that?
It’s to give the best chance to have a humble result.
But mostly it’s creating a climate of calm security, not anxious fear. It’s spreading trusting confidence that this is a safe moment.
“He dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, and with a word make something out of nothing.” - Rom 4.17
WORTH REPEATING
"I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky
WORTH TRYING
Sometimes I’ll want Brenda to hear the whole thing I’m thinking before she responds.
I want her response on the whole thing, not some incomplete piece.
But she “wants a conversation.” *sigh*
But then other times when she’s talking, I interrupt or talk over her.
As if I don’t think what she’s saying is valuable. She’ll call me out on it.
Seems there’s an art in hearing each other - in the way we want to be heard, and in the way we want to hear.
I think it’s part of how we can connect with love.
If I wanted to be humble, I’d follow how she wanted to hear me, and also follow how she wanted to be heard.
Both involve me shutting up for a minute.
Of course she could do the same. But that’s up to her.
Has it ever been a mistake to listen and mean it?
WORTH REPLYING
"Couples who communicate well are able to do it because ________."
I'd love to know what you think. Just hit reply.
Thanks!
Gary
P.S. - Any reaction to today's letter? Your reaction matters. 😊