SML #18 - small change

LESSONS LEARNED

So what changes things? What helped our marriage make progress?

Though we’ve been married 50 years, Brenda and I have had our share of ugly streaks and scenes.

Things are now definitely different than they used to be, even different from just a few years ago.

We have our own “Hall of Shame” (like all of us), with some stories I’ll never repeat.

I wouldn’t even know how to start to talk about the big blowup on vacation in Dallas.

But peeking into that HOS room, I have shared this one -

When the kids were young, she and I were having one of our big arguments. Right in the middle of it, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure pass by outside the dining room window.

It was my brother-in-law. He was moving from the back of the house to the front.

I realized he had come to the front door, couldn’t get us to hear him knocking, and had gone to the back door. Now he was giving up and leaving.

And he had heard everything, maybe not every word, but the tone and anger and out-of-controllness. He got the picture, and it was a different picture of us than he had ever seen.

I felt so ashamed.

But you know what I hadn't felt shameful about at the time?

Both daughters, each under 10 years old, were in the house while we argued. Arguing was normal enough to me that it never hit me how horrible it was to do that in front of the kids.

I did the Dallas argument, the one I can’t talk about, in front of the kids, too. 😢

So what changed? Why? How? What was the most important part?

Well, first, about fifteen years into marriage, I gave up my life to Jesus and started following him. And I quit drinking. For sure that set the foundation for everything that was going to change.

But what were the specifics that changed? What did it look like in what I did?

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Somehow, some way, we both started doing some sporadic small good things for each other.

Probably we were each motivated at first by feeling so awful about our behavior at times.

To keep from feeling so bad, I think we each had to do some nice things to try to make it up to the other person.

I’ll say we “stumbled” on something that “worked” that not only helped us hold down guilt, but also actually began making a difference in our relationship.

When something makes you feel better and “works” you start doing it more, right?

I couldn’t make the arguments better, but I could do some good things between the arguments when we weren’t so emotional.

Turns out those good things between arguments can actually make a difference in what the arguments are like.

We had no dramatic about-face. We weren’t smart enough or strong enough to do that.

It was a series of small changes or pivots, that added up over time.

So, what kinds of small things have made such a difference? Next week . . . 😊

WORTH REPEATING

“Gratitude dissolves disappointment.” - a friend of my friend, Joe

WORTH TRYING

If you’re gathering with family or friends this week, you know how it can be frustrating to be around EVERYone, but then when it’s over you realize you haven’t really connected with ANYone?

So here are 3 connecting questions to consider asking during your time together, whether in a group or one-on-one.

Just one of the questions might lead to a little conversation you’re glad you had that wouldn’t have normally happened.

Maybe you start right now with your spouse, the one we most want to connect with.

And maybe then the two of you team up to ask one or two of the questions when you’re around your people.

1. "So what are you encouraged about these days?" Asking this is just caring, on purpose. Then really listen and join them in their encouragement.

2. “So what are you looking forward to in the next few weeks or months?” Another way to care and show that they matter to you. Then listen, maybe ask a follow-up question.

3. “You know what I appreciate about you . . . ?” Then share something you sincerely appreciate about who they are or about something they’ve done.

Just be interested, care, and listen.

If anyone said any of those things to YOU would YOU feel like you mattered to them?

WORTH REPLYING

What do you want it to feel like to be around you this week? How do you want your spouse to feel when they’re around you?

Just hit reply. I'd love to know.

Thanks!

Gary