SM Letter #37 - she said
LESSONS LEARNED
Two of the best things my wife Brenda ever said to me.
One -
“Poor man. I was trying to have you be Jesus for me.”
I never knew that was what she was doing, but I felt it.
All I knew was I couldn’t seem to make her as happy as she wanted, as I wanted, as she deserved.
There was always something in the way of her satisfaction.
I thought it was me.
Well, some of it was, but not the deep stuff 😊.
It’s hard to satisfy someone who needs you to be Jesus. But I do the same thing with others, too.
It can make the “Jesus person” feel, “No matter what I do, it’s wrong.”
Then one day, somehow, after a hard season, she realized she was actually -
“Sharing God’s life. I wasn’t on my own.”
Something happened inside her.
"Christ in you" and being adopted and known and loved by God became real.
For the first time, everything didn’t have to be fixed for her to have peace.
Her peace drew us closer.
I didn’t need to protect myself anymore from being misunderstood or wrongly accused.
Most of her reactions to me after that were not from insecurity or insecure agendas.
I didn’t need to filter my words and actions through their potential to cause strong negative emotional responses from her.
I didn’t have to be afraid to be myself.
Her peace made my life different.
Of course, the benefit to me was nothing compared to the benefit to her.
There’s only one Jesus.
And the other great thing she once said to me? -
“You belong to the King.”
She passed me a note in church with those words.
I was slouching around and grumbling in my soul, and it was visible on the outside.
It had been going on for awhile.
Would you grumble and slouch around if you knew you belonged to a king?
Well, maybe it would depend on the king, and if you really realized you belonged to that king.
I always said I realized it. And I always said this king was The King.
Not just with power and as creator of the universe. Not just King of time and eternity and of me.
But the King of love and care and seeing and knowing me.
There’d be no reason for slouching and grumbling if I belonged to a king like that.
But sometimes we might need reminding from someone we love.
WORTH REPEATING
"The real surprise is that God’s light is more real than all the darkness, that God’s truth is more powerful than all human lies, that God’s love is stronger than death." - Henri Nouwen
WORTH TRYING
I realize I have this deep need to be heard, understood, and cared about. You too?
Do you think maybe we’re made that way as humans? On purpose?
I think I’m made for the deepest fulfillment of that need to be in God.
But that need still exists in our relationships, especially marriage.
Here’s one simple practical small step that might be helpful to try to help each other feel heard, understood, and cared about.
Some call it a weekly “check-in” but of course we can use the questions however we want.
“What helped you feel good about our relationship this week?”
“How did I help you feel loved this week?”
“What do you need more of next/this week?”
Then the other person could answer.
(Questions from Julie Menanno - @thesecurerelationship on IG)
WORTH REPLYING
If your marriage right now was a Beatles song title, what would it be?
For me at the moment it’s a combination of “I Feel Fine” and “I Am the Walrus.”
You? Just hit reply. I’d love to know.
Thanks!
Gary
P.S. - Any reaction to today's letter? Your reaction matters. 😊