SM Letter #38 - I get to pick

LESSONS LEARNED

There are times in the past when I thought of Brenda as my enemy.

I hate to say that. And that’s not on her, that’s on me.

She’s never been my enemy.

My thinking that she’s my enemy is my enemy.

"Our brains make maps of ourselves, others, and the world. If we do not intentionally make sure those maps are accurate, our lives will suffer and be limited.” - Dr. Henry Cloud

We get that way a step at a time.

First we get bugged by things they do. It’s the irritations and offenses that happen with two married people.

You can’t really make them go away. That’s just life.

But then I start to think negatively about my spouse personally.

It’s not just the stuff, it’s them personally.

And then I can think so habitually negative that I make her into an enemy.

Where it’s not just that she did (or didn’t do) a certain thing -

It’s that she’s a bad person toward me.

When I think that, then I automatically think the worst about her attitude and motives. When I have a choice of what something means, I pick the negative.

That’s not her fault. That’s my choice of an attitude.

There are positive things, there are negative things.

I let my emotions boss me into majoring on the negative things, and so there I am with an enemy.

Oops, I forget - she could do the same thing with me.

Thinking she was my enemy was a mindset, a belief I ended up with.

I didn’t choose it on purpose, I got suckered into believing it was true.

And so I acted like it was true.

But I didn’t have to act that way.

And that’s how it turned around.

We both found we could say and do things contrary to our mindset.

It didn’t feel natural but we could do it on purpose -

Sometimes, we tried to be nice to each other anyway.

Not when we were mad. That's too hard. But in the calm, neutral times.

How we treated each other began to affect how we felt about each other.

A little kindness, a little attention, a little appreciation.

It worked miracles.

You know the words -

Don’t be quarrelsome

Pursue righteousness, love, and peace

Correct with gentleness

No grumbling or arguing

Have a tender heart and humble mind

Did you know a lot of those words are about how to treat enemies?

"Your mind will be like its habitual thoughts; the soul becomes dyed by the color of its thoughts." - Marcus Aurelius

WORTH REPEATING

“We spend countless hours making up our minds about others. But we ourselves are the first ones who need a change of heart and probably the only ones whose hearts we indeed can change.” - Henri Nouwen

WORTH TRYING

We're trying something this week.

Sunday night I asked Benda to pick a word for the week. Something that we could use to help focus ourselves on what we agree is important.

I'll pick one next week.

We said we each have permission to remind each other of that word without the other getting defensive. It's to help each other.

Great.

She picked "circumspect."

What?

I had to look it up to make sure I got it right.

We'll see how it goes.

Thanks!

Gary