SM #17 - survey answers
LESSONS LEARNED
I asked you recently “What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing in your marriage relationship right now?”
You might be curious what kinds of things others are challenged by. So, I tried to group and summarize your answers into big categories of challenges. Here they are -
Making time to be together - it’s not personal about the other person as much as just an issue. Mentioned by maybe about 20%
Being on the same page, for example with things like money, sex, parenting, household decisions, plans for the future - another one that’s not super personal about the other person. Maybe 25-30% of responses
Dealing with how you feel about certain personal behaviors and habits that bother you in the other person; how that person thinks, speaks, acts - now it’s getting personal about the other person. Maybe 25-30%
Feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, unheard, unseen, unvalued, ignored, like you don’t count, and like you’re low priority to your spouse. Definitely personal about the other person. This one really hurts. Maybe 25-30%
(There’s one more area that's hard to identify - it’s when the other person is operating in “bad faith” involving some combination of what seems like narcissism, manipulation, passive aggressiveness, lying and denying it and letting you think it’s you and that you must be crazy. It’s the worst, but rare. I think it’s maybe 3% of marriages. If this happens to be you, I want you to know I’m aware this exists.)
I think there are a lot of us who don’t fit any of those above, and wouldn’t say we have any big challenges worth talking about. We just want to be better at our relationship, with less auto-pilot and more softer hearts, and “do the best I can.”
What’s your reaction when you see these answers?
One reaction I hope you have is, “Oh, I’m not alone.” We may feel alone, but no matter what we're experiencing, it's part of our common humanity as married people. If only we could meet and realize how un-alone we are.
One big thing I noticed, and that I’ve noticed in the past when I’ve asked the challenge question: it seems we all need to be able to talk with each other about things more than we do.
We need to be able to have calm intentional conversations about things important to us, and for the conversations to make it better and not worse.
When you think of that - having a calm intentional conversation where you know you’re heard and where they know you heard them - does that seem like something that would be helpful to move things forward?
Thank you for your responses and helping me better know your marriage world.
WORTH REPEATING
“You belong to the King.” - my wife Brenda when she's seen me begin to feel sorry for myself
WORTH TRYING
Sometimes Brenda and I butt heads dealing with service people. For example when the fridge icemaker repair guy had to come back this week when the first repair didn’t work.
His explanation for why the repair didn't work made sense to me, but Brenda says to me out of his earshot, “You finished his sentences for him - don’t help him out when he explains what happened.”
She knows I always give the benefit of the doubt, even when I maybe shouldn’t. And I know she’s always looking for cheaters 😊
Before he came back in the room, I told her privately “I need your help talking with him making sure we’re all clear on everything.” Then I surprised myself by adding, “This isn’t an area of strength for me.”
It worked well when he came back in and explained what had to happen next. Just her and me purposefully having the conversation together with him gave us both confidence that we’d covered what we each wanted covered.
"I need your help." Sincerely, calmly.
WORTH REPLYING
So now I’m still wondering about that question earlier.
Would it be helpful to you if you were able to have a calm intentional conversation with your spouse about challenging things that are important to you? A conversation that made things better, not worse?
Absolutely yes? Probably? Maybe? Naaah?
Just hit reply to help me know if it matters.
Thanks!
Gary