SM Letter #16 - calm pause
LESSONS LEARNED
It gets me in more trouble than almost anything:
I have something to say, so I just say it.
I don't question it at all. I don’t think for a second if I actually SHOULD say it.
I don't ask myself HOW I should say it. Or if this is actually the TIME. I just say it.
Hey, we’re just human and don’t have time to examine every word, right?
But sometimes it’s needed. I don’t mean in trivial casual conversations. I mean conversations where something is at stake that has some importance to you. Where it’s possible things can get wonky.
“But, what I’m saying is true and I’m right,” might not be the only criteria for speaking up.
I can be right and still end up with a complicated situation that needs repaired. Saying “well at least I’m right . . . I think” hasn't helped much.
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For me here's how I’m growing in fixing that:
Pause.
When I have the urge inside me to speak, but a little piece of me wonders if I should, I want to pause. I want to ask myself - or God - should I say this?
About half the time when I wonder if I should say it, I get this feeling of No or No not yet.
Then of course the urge inside me to say it grows stronger. "Don't be silly, it's only words." It's almost a battle.
Sometimes I give up and say OK I won't say it. Then the pressure dies down and often I then feel OK now you can say it.
Or I'll do a purposeful experiment and go ahead and say it even when that feeling says no - this almost never goes well and is why I now take pausing seriously.
Sometimes the answer stays no and I never say it.
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There’s nothing to lose. To me, pausing and being willing to not speak really changes things.
It’s the beginning of liberation. Something wonderful happens when you give up your expectation of bringing about a certain result with your words.
You get lighter and gain confidence. Thinking "Oh well I guess God can take care of it," is often the moment your gut gives you the go-ahead to speak.
If not, then just leave it and trust for now.
SO -
If I wonder "should I say this?" then I try to pause.
I remember to try to not speak out of my emotions.
Then I follow my gut.
Maybe an even simpler takeaway is, don't let the next words out of your mouth make things worse.
I’ve learned this: if you tell God you want to be sensitive to him, he'll take you up on it.
WORTH REPEATING
“Sadly, couples tend to take the good in each other for granted very quickly—and can even stop noticing the good that the other is doing—while focusing more and more on the petty failings of the other.” - Peter McFadden
WORTH TRYING
From Marriage365, four questions we can ask each other heading into the holidays. I think asking and talking about even just one of these can help -
What stresses you out most about the holiday season?
What is one thing you want to make sure we do this season and why?
What is one way we can connect emotionally during the holidays?
Do you want to exchange gifts this year? If so, what should our budget be?
WORTH REPLYING
So is there one thing you wish could be different this Thanksgiving and/or Christmas?
Just hit reply, I’d love to know. Thanks!
Gary