SM Letter #10 - it’s normal
LESSONS LEARNED
Did I actually just now learn this?
I think I knew or suspected it in some vague way, but I hadn’t summarized it into some kind of “truth” until recently. Here it is -
* * * It’s normal to be bugged by each other * * *
“Bugged” meaning the everyday irritations that come from being two people mooshed together in daily life in the same space for years.
“Are you trying to get in my way?”
“I just need more than a few minutes notice, OK?”
“No I’m not late alllll the time, and right now you’re the one that’s late.”
“I know what you said, you’re the one who didn’t hear what I said.”
These little head-bumpings used to bother me. But now I know they’re not a barometer of our relationship.
A barometer of our relationship is what happens after the initial head-bump.
Do we keep pushing it and arguing the point, getting more and more sarcastic? Or do we drop it?
Do I keep a little score of the bumps and then throw them back at her when it reaches a certain level, because now I’ve decided it’s HER that’s bugging me, not just the bumps?
Do I then kind of end up with a negative attitude toward her, which causes me to react more negatively to her, which causes her to react more negatively to me, which causes me to have more of an attitude, which causes . . . but hey she started it.
Let it go long enough and before you know it you begin thinking of your spouse as an enemy. That’s a dangerous place.
So, yeah, it’s normal to be bugged by each other. But I don’t want to make the little irritations bigger than they are.
BTW, this is also where it can get into what kind of person is my marriage trying to shape me into?
A person who gives grace, doesn’t over-react, and who doesn’t keep score? Do I want to be that kind of person more? (More on this part some other time 😊 )
WORTH REPEATING
“Every couple learns about daily conflict, which Solomon (in Song of Solomon 2) calls ‘the little foxes that ruin the vineyards’” - Emerson Eggerichs
I love thinking of daily irritations as “little foxes” and our relationship as “the vineyard.”
WORTH TRYING
I heard or overheard the phrase, “that’s not yours to tell” several times in the last week or so.
To each of us it might seem to be common sense what’s on our "only mine to tell" list, but the other person could be legitimately clueless that it matters. It might be good for each of us to be reminded of the other’s “only mine” list.
It doesn’t need to be a mystery or a big deal. In an emotionally neutral time, just ask. Even just asking can be a caring thing.
It’s probably only a few items, so knowing the list and honoring it is a simple way of saying “I love and respect you.”
WORTH REPLYING
What’s proven to be the worst advice on love or marriage that you ever got? Just hit reply.
You don't have to say where you heard it 😊
Gary