SM Letter #9 - words & tone

LESSONS LEARNED

“Use your words.” We say it to kids all the time.

“How do we know what you want or how you feel if you don’t tell us?”

And another one we tell kids is, “Watch your tone there kiddo.” Their words can be OK, but that tone bugs you.

You may know where we’re going with this :)

For a long time with Brenda I never really watched my words or tone.

Whatever came out just busted out in whatever way it wanted. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?

And other times I didn't say anything when there actually was something to be said.

So she never knew what I felt or thought, but I’d act like she did.

Can’t she read my mind?

And I never realized how my tone could feel to her until I kept randomly hearing myself on videos here and there coming across harsh. It surprised me.

Do I really sound like that? Does it feel as bad to her as it does me?

Turning it around, we all sometimes wonder what our spouse is thinking, and we never wonder positive. Then we treat them a certain way based on what we think they’re thinking.

We can do each other a favor by doing two things -

1. Use your words. Make sure you say what the other person needs to know.

2. Control your tone. I tell Brenda, “You can say anything to me if you say it in a good way.”

No one knows anything about our plan, or what we’re thinking, or how we feel, if we don’t tell them.

And a calm measured tone can change everything.

WORTH REPEATING

“If what you say has value, it will last longer than you will." - Vance Havner

WORTH TRYING

Just for today, turn on your “Rude Meter.”

No, not to notice your spouse being rude, but to notice YOU being rude with them.

You’ll have to notice at the moment it happens, because you won’t remember later unless it causes a scene. So try to catch yourself right after you do it.

How often do you notice it? How does it feel when you hear or see your rudeness from outside you?

If you’re like me, just catching yourself a few times is highly uncomfortable and humbling.

WORTH REPLYING

If you could wave a magic wand and make one thing in your marriage better right now, what would it be? I'd love to know. Just hit reply.

Gary