SM Letter #39 - safe & secure
LESSONS LEARNED
Our taxes were higher than expected this year.
It was a surprise because the accountant made adjustments last year that were going to affect us this year.
But we didn’t know about it.
So we owed more than we planned.
When I found out, I realized I was a teeny bit antsy about talking to Brenda about it.
And I realized why - it was that she was going to have some questions and I just needed to make sure I expected them and had some answers for what it meant.
I didn’t need all the answers, we could do that part together.
But I needed to respect that questions would be normal and so be ready for that.
It was no big deal. Talking ended up taking one minute.
But it reminded me of things that have been a big deal in the past in a variety of areas.
Some of those conversations we had were not fun.
I'm not usually the one initiating "important" conversations.
This one was initiated by me because I was the one who found out first.
But I think most of the time over the years she’s been the one to “need” a conversation about something important to her.
Usually it would be for something she was anxious about, needed clarity on, or needed to know that I really did hear her.
I think my default has been to want to avoid “needed” conversations.
Why would I avoid it?
I think from fear -
- that there’d be a blowup
- that I wouldn’t really be heard in what I meant and I’d end up in trouble
- that I was going to end up feeling disrespected and then getting mad and regretting it
In other words, I was insecure and didn’t trust myself, or her.
I think this is common with guys.
We’ll just pass on the challenging conversation if you don’t mind! 😊
And from what I’ve read, I think it’s common that the female would need the conversation more than the man.
But, she might avoid it too, knowing that the guy felt like I described above.
You know what Brenda once said to me when I realized she avoided a conversation she needed?
“I was afraid you’d yell at me.” Yikes.
We’re all in the same boat aren’t we? Fear and insecurity.
What a revolution it could be if we were secure enough to see a conversation apart from it being a threat to our relationship or to who we are.
Where we could say,
“Y’know I can see where you’re coming from” and mean it.
Instead of saying,
“Well if you didn’t _____ then I wouldn’t _____.”
Or,
“No I don’t think those things, and no you are NOT right.”
If you don’t feel emotionally safe, and you don’t have confidence that you’ll be heard or understood, then it’s hard for a conversation to go well.
So maybe helping things feel safe and secure might actually be super important since everything depends on that?
So how do you encourage security?
For me I try to remind myself of the real actual security I have in the love and full acceptance of Jesus.
From that security, I can hopefully accept her emotions and issues without feeling threatened.
Which means I can more easily say things such as that almost magical phrase -
“Well OK, I can see where you’re coming from and how that makes sense, and by the way I love you more than anything.”
And I can also discover that even when I don’t feel secure, I can still say that phrase. 😊
WORTH REPEATING
“It’s pretty tough to argue with someone who is acknowledging your feelings and perspective.” - Rikki Cloos
WORTH TRYING
Brenda made a new thing for dinner last night. She’s always making a new thing.
It was fantastic and I told her so.
I also had an urge to affirm her personally - “You always make things turn out so well. You’re creative and you care and I know you make meals for me that you’d never do if it was just you, because you love me. Thank you.”
Why did I try to make a compliment a bit about her personal goodness?
Because I like it when she compliments me the same way.
Giving it feels small, but receiving it feels large.
Thanks!
Gary