SM Letter #40 - controlling

LESSONS LEARNED

I’ve heard this same kind of thing a bunch of times.

Here’s Meygan at marriage365 talking about feeling “frustration, disappointment, loneliness, and disconnection” in her marriage.

Casey and I almost divorced. We struggled in what felt like EVERY area in our relationship which only caused more disconnection.

I had been spending so much time worrying and trying to control him and it exhausted me mentally, physically and spiritually.

So what changed things? She says:

What changed for us was me (Megan) deciding to focus on myself and let go of Casey.

Become the healthiest person you can be and watch things radically change.

I was able to...

Forgive him even though he wasn't apologetic

Create healthy boundaries that taught him he had to treat me with respect

Learn effective communication skills

Let go of what he was and wasn't doing and focus on myself

Give a 4-step apology and show him that I was mature and aware enough to take responsibility for my mistakes (this literally made his jaw drop to the floor)

BTW, her “4-step apology” is simple -

1. I’m sorry for ______.

2. I was wrong.

3. How can I make this better?

4. Will you forgive me?

So here’s that kind of thing I’ve heard a lot of -

👉 "Focus on myself” - which only means I give up hope of controlling the other person and I focus on controlling myself.

👉 "Become the healthiest person you can be and watch things radically change.”

These mindsets aren’t a trick to “make” things work.

They're mindsets we often land on in desperation.

They don’t promise certain results or “success” in my marriage.

It’s simply a direction to walk that recognizes the reality that I really do only control myself.

I just try to cooperate with becoming the kind of person God is shaping me to be (meaning “healthy”).

As I do, I begin to see things differently.

My attitude and words change.

I change.

I begin to walk more in a manner worthy of my calling, a manner that seems impossible in this description below, but that I can’t deny is something God wants for me -

“With tender humility and quiet patience,

always demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another,

especially toward those who may try your patience.

Be faithful to guard the sweet harmony of the Holy Spirit among you in the bonds of peace”

- ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭

Because I’m contagious and my spouse is wired to respond to grace, I assume that kind of walk would have a graceful effect on her and our relationship.

But even if it didn’t, I’m better off than I would be holding onto hope of changing her or things I can’t control.

WORTH REPEATING

“The best way to love someone selflessly is to be the kind of person who can love someone selflessly. God is in the business of creating that kind of person." - Anonymous

WORTH TRYING

Sometimes I try to catch myself having a strong reaction to something Brenda says or does. Just the everyday head-butting stuff.

And sometimes I'm actually able to pause and ask myself -

Why am I having such a strong reaction?

Why do I think she did or didn't say to do that thing? What am I assuming?

What other reasons could there be for what she did?

Again, usually, I'm too pre-occupied with my own response to ask these questions. But sometimes . . .

Thanks!

Gary