SM Letter #41 - not griping

LESSONS LEARNED

I’m in the airport at Denver Sunday night and I’m hungry.

I’ve been away from home nine of the last 10 days.

I’ve had allergies for two months and have just driven six hours. So I’m also tired.

All the airport restaurants are crowded. I grab a ham and cheese box from the cooler display at Einstein Bagels, a water bottle, and sea salt chips.

I juggle my two carry-ons and the sandwich box and water, and pinch the chip bag with my fingers.

There’s no place to sit.

I have to walk down several gates to find empty seats, looking like Steve Martin toting his chair in The Jerk. I know I’ll probably drop something any second.

Then I surprise myself.

I realize I’m not griping. Not under my breath, not even in my mind.

And I’m not trying to not gripe.

I’m just doing what I have to do, walk and find a seat without dropping anything.

And then I realize this - If Brenda had been with me I would have griped.

In fact the next morning after I get home and get a good night’s sleep, we go out and haven't been driving long when I mutter about another driver, “What are you doing? What do you want me to do?”

Griping doesn’t have anything to do with what’s really happening, does it.

You and I know how easy it is to be negative and short-tempered around the people we love most.

We could say it’s because we’re better behaved around strangers.

But what about when there’s no one close enough to hear your griping, no strangers to make a bad impression on?

And you still don’t do it?

But as soon as you’re with your spouse, you do?

I might want to say, “Well, it’s because I can be myself around my spouse.”

So, when I was an anonymous person in the airport I wasn’t being myself?

No one would have known my attitude or heard my griping under my breath.

Right now, I’m thinking of this as disrespect.

Not only for her, but for myself.

To take a situation more negatively in Brenda’s presence than I would when I’m not around her seems to say something about me and my consideration of her.

I don't know what else it says, but I know this -

I like the person I am when I don't gripe, and I don’t like the person I am when I do gripe.

I love her and don’t want to disrespect her.

And I don’t want her to disrespect me, which she does when I gripe. So I feel some motivation there.

Does it sound like maybe my marriage is being used to help make me more into the person I want to be? The person that I know God is forming me to be?

I’m guessing this is probably super common with most of us.

What do you think?

WORTH REPEATING

“Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or disputing . . . - Philippians 2:13-14

WORTH TRYING

From the Gottmans, I've totally found this to be true -

Can you think of your relationship as having an emotional bank account?

You make deposits with positive interactions with your partner.

You make withdrawals with negative interactions, or with lack of positive interactions.

When your account gets low on positive interactions, you can feel some anxiety, and conflicts can end up escalating.

Good news - positive interactions can be very small. Just consistent bits of caring, patience, and attention can really add up.

More good news - you don’t have to “fix” times of conflict to add positive interactions. Just increase kindness, attention, and caring during the good times.

And a bonus - a positive emotional bank account can end up helping times of conflict not be so bad.

Thanks!

Gary