SM Letter #42 - still changing?
LESSONS LEARNED
I’m still changing.
I like saying that at age almost 72.
It’s freeing to know you haven’t “arrived” and so are not expected to live up to arriving.
The biggest thing when I say that refers to my soul.
Do you think everything you think, say, and do comes from your soul? I do.
I began to follow Jesus at age 37.
Had been married 16 years, with 2 teen kids. Losing my radio job in Davenport, Iowa, was the tipping point to believing.
I told myself out loud, “What are you going to do now, smart guy?”
I didn’t realize what I was going to do was give up my false sense of control. But I did, as well as I could at the time.
I started looking for new jobs. I had several conversations with people in Benton Harbor, Michigan. It was looking good.
They said they’d get back to me soon.
Meantime, my new soul was a little sprout about half-a-fingernail high.
A place in Hebrews 12 caught my attention.
I decided to memorize it while I was waiting to hear back. Here’s my sorta-paraphrased version from memory -
“God disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness.
It produces a harvest of righteousness and peace in those who have been trained by it.
So strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.”
Of course when you memorize something, you think about the words and what it all means.
I realized “discipline” often just means training.
It also leads to something that sounds pretty great - “righteousness and peace.”
And, it says it’s a harvest of righteousness and peace. A whole bunch! I’ll take it.
Except, it also says “in those who have been trained by it.”
Oh.
So it’s possible for me to experience problems and challenges and NOT be trained by them.
I have to allow the discipline to train me. Darn.
As I’m memorizing and thinking on this, I’m getting more and more agitated because I’m not hearing back from Benton Harbor. It was taking forever.
Should I call them? Email them? How long do I wait?
Weeks passed. Months. Eons. The sun burned out and then froze over.
It was 5 days. 😊
And then they said things had changed and they decided not to fill the job.
What? Nothing comes from it?
You know what came from it. Go ahead and tell me.
The waiting and disappointment, and the words and mindset I learned, were all one big thing.
The question for me was, did I cooperate and allow the challenge to train me?
Or did I keep the job challenge separate from what God was really up to in me?
I think God is up to something personal in you and me and he’s obviously not in a hurry because I’m still under construction at age 72.
Last week’s letter quoted Ephesians 4:2-3 on what a “worthy walk” could look like, Some of the words -
Tender humility
Quiet patience
Gentleness
Generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try your patience
Guard the sweet harmony of the Holy Spirit among you in the bonds of peace…
I may feel far away from this right now, but that doesn’t change the road I’m on.
And I have a lot to say about how I experience that road.
I can cooperate, fight it, or something in between.
One way to cooperate is to actually see my daily challenges and issues as part of what God is up to. Which could affect how I feel about those issues and challenges.
I could end up seeing issues and challenges as “soul forming school” if I wanted to.
I could be trained, or shaped by it, if I wanted to. Which still for me usually means giving up a false sense of control.
And where in life are some of our biggest issues and challenges?
Where two different people are squished closely together and forced to deal with the difference every single day?
Are you who you want to be? With yourself, your marriage, your spouse, with God? I’m not.
Do you ever think of your marriage as “soul forming school?”
What do you think?
WORTH REPEATING
“No one knows what their last words will be. No one knows how much time they have. So let’s use the time we have, before we lose the time we’re never guaranteed.” - Ryan Holiday
WORTH TRYING
There’s the good that we like, there’s the bad that we don’t.
We get to pick which to major on.
What about taking just one day and focusing on thinking the best, assuming the most generous explanation for your spouse’s words or behavior that day?
Find the most generous explanation and believe it.
As a normal day goes on, things come up that you could take different ways.
So for one day, see what it feels like to major on what could be the true positive.
When we assume the worst, it turns into a habit that makes you right and them wrong. It’s an easy habit to get into.
But if we want to, we can notice and catch the opportunities to believe the best. And that can become a habit, too.
WORTH REPLYING
I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.
Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.
Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.
There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.
I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.
So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.
No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?
Have you ever had a challenging conversation with your spouse about something important to you, maybe you were even dreading it, and it turned out well? What happened? What did you each do that helped this one turn out well?
Just hit reply. 😊
Thanks!
Gary