SM Letter #43 - not talking

LESSONS LEARNED

We’re at an eye Dr appointment.

She’s noticed a little change and wants it checked.

I ask if she wants me to go to the exam room with her to take notes.

Once in a while I do that if she wants, so she doesn’t have to remember everything they say. We say I’m her “emotional support husband.”

She says yes do come with her.

The assistant does the initial stuff with her, then leaves and says the doctor will be in after the dilation takes affect.

We sit in the exam room in silence.

Not nervous silence. Not “I’m bored” silence.

Peaceful, happily married silence. It’s a good silence. Secure.

We don’t have to talk.

We’re not looking at our phones.

We’re just in each other’s presence, waiting, without talking about it.

It’s probably 20 minutes.

The Doc comes in and does his exam.

I take a few notes.

He says she has a slight deviation in alignment. Orders a new prescription adding a small amount of prism correction.

That’s it.

In the car I ask if she feels OK about it. “I feel great.”

She says she felt calm the whole time. I told her I prayed for her while we were sitting there.

“I’m glad we don’t always have to talk.”

“Me too.”

If you had told me twenty-five years ago that I could experience a satisfying intimacy with my wife while sitting silent together in an eye doctor exam room, I would not have known what you were talking about.

But there it is.

Does it come as a result of a long long time together and being older?

Does it come as a result of curating caring over time?

Does it come as a result of long experiences of walking with Jesus in desperation?

It was the highlight of my week.

Of course, we’re all different.

Silence may drive you crazy. And something else is an experience of intimacy to you.

As a couple, we don’t need to be compatible in everything, or even in a lot of things. But I want to be compatible in a few deeply personal and meaningful things.

We all get our own personalized marriage manual to figure out what those things are. She’s my manual, and I’m hers.

If I knew years ago what I know now, and I wanted to get where we are now a little more on purpose -

I’d make an effort to find little ways to be more kind and caring. I’d make it easy and do the little kind carings in the small calm “nothing” moments when it doesn’t take much emotional effort, and where it has a better chance to be felt.

Then I’d try to make it a lifestyle.

It’s a lifestyle now, but I wish I’d started it 25 years ago.

WORTH REPEATING

“We are not responsible for the circumstances we are in, but we are responsible for the way we allow those circumstances to affect us; we can either allow them to get on top of us, or we can allow them to transform us into what God wants us to be." - Oswald Chambers

WORTH TRYING

Connecting doesn’t just happen, especially when you’re busy.

Like I said above, I wish I’d done some things on purpose earlier.

One thing I’m thinking of now is some sort of weekly on-purpose connecting thing. Some call it a “check-in.”

Here’s an idea from Dr Alexandra Solomon.

She says try it weekly for 5 weeks before you decide you love or hate it. Do it the same time each week for about 10 minutes. Or longer if you like.

You just take turns answering 5 questions. It’s OK if you don’t have answers for all 5. Make it work for you. The questions with her comments -

“This week, I noticed when you…” (This prompt helps you notice (and share) the positive over the week).⁣

“This week, I wish I had…” (This prompt invites both of you to notice and “own” how you dropped the ball, cuz you’re human).⁣

“This upcoming week, it would mean a lot to me if you would…” (This prompt gives you both a chance for what you want more of. Try to make it positive, actionable, and something your partner can do in the coming week).⁣

“Something I’m worried about in the coming week…” (This prompt gives you a chance to share with your partner something happening in your world, closing distance between you and giving an opportunity to give and receive compassion and support).⁣

“We are…” (This prompt gives you a chance to end on a warm and positive note. Ex: “We are trying hard,” “We are on the same team.”)⁣

What do you think?

WORTH REPLYING

I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.

Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.

Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.

There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.

I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.

So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.

No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?

What book or other resource have you suggested for someone needing some encouragement in their marriage? Or, what books or resources have greatly influenced you?

Just hit teply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com. 😊

Thanks!

Gary