SM Letter #44 - disagree vs argue
LESSONS LEARNED
We were talking last night and disagreeing about something.
It was frustrating but also kinda fun.
It reminded me how she and I can definitely see things differently.
We each can think the other person is way off on how we think of some issue. And we can disagree strongly and be blunt about it.
Not “strongly” as in angry or yelling, but as in east-west.
While we were each articulating our view and seeing how off we think the other person is, it occurred to me: “Gee, should this be kind of scary to disagree on something so much?”
No. It’s not scary at all.
I’ve never felt like there was some certain amount of common interests anyone needs to have.
We grew up differently for 20 years before we met! We have our own views on a lot of things.
But we also have core common interests where we bond deeply.
And then the differences just become added interest and spice.
As we talked and disagreed I still felt a deep sense of love and respect for her.
I am SO glad that somehow we’ve reached a place where differences are not differences in personal respect.
We just have different opinions on some things. It’s like “I think you’re full of baloney, but I really like you a lot.”
Hmmm, is this not a valuable human posture in our whole world today?
“You’re full of baloney, but I still like you.”
Could change the world. 😊
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Recently I’ve been wondering "why didn’t I have a little bit of intention years ago about being married?"
A book or a video or a class here and there doesn’t seem like a big deal or effort.
Did I grow up thinking that love is a totally organic “life of its own” kind of thing?
That love “just happens,” and if it doesn’t happen well, then maybe it isn’t real love?
Then we get married and of course we’re visited by the villains of familiarity, and then we move into relational auto-pilot, and then we start thinking “Well this is just the way it is.”
I didn’t think of love having seasons and of us cooperating with those seasons on purpose.
I mean, we all know how to be in love, right?
Well . . . I knew how to FALL in love.
LIVING in love is a different thing.
Do we just get lucky for that part? Or do we have some influence?
I think for over 20 years I never really thought of myself as having influence.
I was in the “that’s just the way it is” camp.
But every day there were opportunities for a little bit of intention in my thinking, or my words, or how I reacted.
Just like little offenses and negativities add up over time, so do little kindnesses.
The negatives happened without trying. The positives needed intention.
I just didn’t realize it.
WORTH REPEATING
“When we’re out here trying to run our lives on our own in disconnection from God, that’s where everything falls apart." - Dallas Willard
WORTH TRYING
You know your spouse isn’t a mind reader.
But do we act like we think they are?
What if a few times today, I made an effort to remind myself that she doesn’t know what I’m thinking, what I want, or how I feel?
That doesn’t mean I have to tell her.
It just means don’t have an attitude toward her that assumes she does know.
WORTH REPLYING
I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.
Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.
Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.
There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.
I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.
So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.
No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?
What relationship advice or perspective has been priceless to you? When was it? Why was it so valuable?
Just hit reply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com😊
Thanks!
Gary