SM Letter #45 - peace or peacefulness
LESSONS LEARNED
A divorced friend was reflecting on marriage turmoil and said, “I think we’re all just looking for peace.”
Sometimes I think peace is maybe the biggest need in marriage, maybe in life.
One of the biggest stresses I’ve ever experienced has been in the old arguments with Brenda.
It’s as if bad arguments are unnatural. My body has a severe allergic reaction.
But maybe that’s just me.
It took me a long time to learn that “peace” does not mean “when things are OK.”
That would be “peaceFULNESS,” which is great. I want that.
A calm morning, time for yourself, no big problems at the moment, a breeze in the trees by the beach during a setting sun.
Peacefulness.
Your MIL apologized.
You got the job.
The test was negative.
Peacefulness.
But what if things aren’t OK and I can’t change it?
I really want PEACE. Which is when things are not OK, but I am OK.
But where do I get that?
If I’m relying on something in my world being fixed in order for me to have peace, and I can’t fix it, now what? Am I just stuck?
Am I going to go the rest of my life with no peace if that thing doesn’t change?
I think there’s only one source of real peace and it isn’t my marriage.
Oh, I can still try to get it from marriage and from Brenda.
But I know if she looks to ME for peace, she’s not going to get it.
I’d hate for her to look to me for any kind of inner peace and affirmation that only Jesus can give. What a burden to put on someone.
Same for me. I can’t need her to treat me a certain way in order for me to have peace.
If I need her to give me inner peace then our whole relationship is going to be me working to manipulate her to get my needs met.
And I won’t even know I’m doing it.
And it will still fail. I’ve been there.
I know the words -
“I don’t give as the world gives, my peace I give to you. Don’t let your heart be troubled or afraid.”
“In this world you will have trouble, in me you may have peace. Take heart I have overcome the world.”
So how does that get made real?
A friend who mentored me said the reason most of us don’t experience more of the supernatural presence and peace of the Lord is because we won’t stop depending on ourselves to rescue ourselves.
Trouble, unresolved problems, and confrontations with my own insufficiency in my marriage have ended up good for me.
They become gifts of opportunities for me to personally experience the sufficiency of God.
Messy gifts, that I struggle to open.
WORTH REPEATING
“If we roll back on God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself. Not fling it off, but put it over on to Him and yourself with it, and the burden is lightened by the sense of companionship." - Oswald Chambers
WORTH TRYING
When your spouse says something that causes you to emotionally react inside, and you smell trouble, maybe try saying this -
How can we work together to have this conversation without making each other the enemy?
Julie Menanno says, "Every time one partner does something new and healthier, they shift the relationship environment and create more space for the other partner to start making changes."
WORTH REPLYING
I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.
Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.
Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.
There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.
I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.
So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.
No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?
Have you ever felt unheard, uncared for, taken for granted, and then how you felt changed and got better? What happened? What brought about the change?
Just hit reply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com 😊
Thanks!
Gary