SM Letter #46 - we change
LESSONS LEARNED
After Tim Keller died, video interviews of him popped up all over.
In one with John Piper, he’s quoting others, but he was owning their words for himself -
My wife has been married to five men.
Every one of them has been me.
The one thing, the thread, that kept all five of them together is my promise.
My promise is I will be there for you. I will be faithful to you.
Have you ever thought of how many different people you’ve been during your marriage?
I think of Brenda, and for sure she’s been a very emerging, unfolding person all our marriage.
In some big ways she’s not the same person.
I’m different, too. I’ve told many people, “She loved me when I was lost and unmotivated and drinking, and she loves me now when I’m completely different. How does she do that?”
She does it because I’m still “Gary” at my core. And she does it because of who she is - she’s the person who fell in love with Gary and who promised to keep loving him, changes and all.
You change, your spouse changes.
Even if you think you marry the right person, marriage is such a big deal that once you actually get together, you start to change each other.
The basis of your marriage can’t be your feelings. And the basis of your marriage can’t even be “we’re just kindred spirits,” because your spirits will go in and out of being kindred.
The thing that keeps it is the promise. I made a promise.
I made an appointment with you in the future to be your spouse every year. Every year.
For sure our spirits go in and out of being kindred.
For sure in our relationship I’ve changed her and she’s changed me.
They say long-married couples even start looking like each other, right? Poor Brenda.
About that promise thing -
If keeping my promise was dependent on me gritting my teeth and sucking it up and just “doing what’s right,” I’d lose at that.
But my promise is to love, not just “stick with it.”
And to love selflessly, I need to be the kind of person who can love selflessly.
If I love from cold promise-keeping, through gritted teeth, that’s not love.
It’s me trying to get credit for love without actually loving.
To really love, the condition of my heart and soul matters. I want God’s heart in my soul.
And what I see when I look at Brenda - her heart and soul - matters. If I look, I can see God’s heart in her soul.
I get in trouble when I stop looking.
Do you get in trouble when you stop looking at your spouse’s heart and soul, and instead major on the surface issues of the moment or season?
When you’re not at your best, what do you want your spouse looking at in you?
Here’s the Tim Keller video clip on IG - https://www.instagram.com/p/Cs4LGGuIQBd/
WORTH REPEATING
“We spend countless hours making up our minds about others.
An unceasing exchange of opinions about people keeps us distracted and allows us to ignore the truth that we ourselves are the first ones who need a change of heart.
And we’re probably the only ones whose hearts we indeed can change."
- Henri Nouwen
WORTH TRYING
Do you think it's easy to be hard on yourself? Do you think caring and kindness with others begins inside your own self?
I sure do. I have to always remind myself of the value of my own heart and soul. When I don't appreciate that value in myself, I find I don't appreciate it in others.
Meditating on these words from James Bryan Smith helps -
I am one in whom Christ delights and dwells.
I live in the strong and unshakeable kingdom of God.
The kingdom is not in trouble.
And neither am I.
WORTH REPLYING
I’m convinced that while we all have challenges and things to learn in different areas of our marriages, we each also have valuable experiences and insights.
Even if we’re in a super discouraging patch in our marriage.
Even when we have no confidence because we feel we've mostly had a troubling time.
There are still things each of us know and do that are unique strengths for us.
I don’t want to miss the marital wisdom riches in you.
So for a couple weeks, I’m asking a few questions to learn some of the gold in you that could benefit others.
No one question will be for everyone, but is this one for you?
Coming from your spouse, what attitude or action or words are the most essential to you?
Just hit reply. Or email me at gary@garymorland.com😊
Thanks!
Gary